Never Tear Us Apart
by ColieMacKenzie
Summary: Kate buries her face against his chest, fingers clawed into his sides and it's so unlike her that it gives him pause... Episode reaction to 5x21 and 5x22, taking into account the original air order in which we were to see "STILL" before "The Squab and the Quail."
1. Chapter 1

**_AN:_**_ Episode reaction to 5x21, "The Squab and the Quail."_

* * *

**Never Tear Us Apart**

She can't stop crying.

She's trying, she really is, but as the days' tensions leaves her body, extracted by each knowing, expert press of his hands into her muscles, the tears just won't stop running, a quiet deluge that she hides with her face smushed into the pillow.

God he's just so good at this, knows just how to touch her, knows her body so well, every curve and knot and sensitive spot - but that's never been the issue, has it? Once they were ignited - even long before, if she's honest with herself - they burned hot and fast and all-consuming, and somewhere along the way, talking became secondary. They just... were.

When did it stop feeling like it was enough?

She's overreacting, isn't she? She tries to breathe deeply, tries to calm her silent sobs, feels ridiculous. Just because some handsome, accent-wielding billionaire posed a poignant question... She berates herself for her thoughts, concentrates on his touch instead, on his fingers digging deep into her muscles, loosening the knots by her shoulder blades that he knows always bother her and she groans in relief.

This here, this is what they have together, the beauty of this intimacy, the deep-seated belief in each other, their history that binds them but the truth is, she's scared, she's so scared. She's invested so much of herself, all of herself in this relationship; she went all in, and if she lost him, it'd be devastating. She's not sure she'd survive it this time. She always fears she might lose him, to a bullet tearing through his heart or the sharpened edge of a knife blade - but death by relationship rut has never even occurred to her.

And maybe, maybe it's where they both went wrong. Not talking, just assuming the other wasn't ready? She thought she'd been free with him, showing him openly what she felt but for years she'd been hiding behind these walls she'd erected, skittish about moving forward while he waited for her, having only hope and his belief in magic to cling to. Maybe it's still haunting him too? Maybe he needs more of her words just as much as she is craving his?

Maybe he's just as scared. Of the future, of failing, of falling apart.

His fingers glide to the small of her back, thumbs digging right and left of her tailbone and she seems to sink deeper into the mattress, her body heavy with bone-deep exhaustion. Stubborn tears still cling to her eyelashes but she turns when he directs her to, hoping he won't notice.

She settles onto her back as he starts kneading her feet, then the muscles of her calves. When he runs up her thighs, fingertips grazing the tender skin of her inner thigh her hips surge up toward him, her eyelids fluttering closed as she reaches for him, seeking him with sudden, desperate need. He runs one finger between her legs and she rises toward his touch, her back arching, her fingers clawing into his shirt to pull him up and over her.

He settles between her legs, elbows bracketing her head as his fingers grip into her hair. He kisses her closed eyelids, her cheeks, sipping the salty trails off her skin and when she blinks open her eyes, she finds knowledge in his. Sees how it gets to him, worry and anxiety swirling together with the intensity of their feelings, almost overwhelming in their strength.

Finally letting her see again what he's still so apt at hiding.

She holds his gaze as he joins their bodies, folds her legs high around his waist; her hips coming up to feel more of him, all of him. Eyes open, mouths brushing in breathless kisses as he fills her, consumes her, as she clings to this perfect moment where they become one, where she feels invincible, as if nothing could ever hurt them, nothing could ever tear them apart.


	2. Chapter 2

**Never Tear Us Apart**

_**AN:** This part ties together 5x21 with 5x22, taking into account the original air order in which we were to see "STILL" before "TS&TQ". Seamlessly follows chapter one._

_With love to my wonderful wife, without whom I quite possibly would've cried and have sent this to the virtual document shredder._

* * *

He rolls off of her, their bodies sweat-slicked, hearts still leaping and he draws her with him so she's cradled in his arms when he settles on his side. Kate buries her face against his chest, fingers clawed into his sides and it's so unlike her that it gives him pause, pierces his drowsy post-coital bubble.

He draws the blanket over them when she shivers, drapes it up to her shoulders; runs his fingers through her hair, his nails softly scraping her scalp. "You okay?"

She nods, but burrows deeper into his chest, and a shaky exhale brushes over his skin. He trails his fingers down the side of her head, over the soft curve of her ear before he cups her chin with his palm, lifting her head up so that she's facing him. It's a drawn-out moment until her eyes open to him, her pupils an almost translucent, watery green. It's then that he sees the red sheen etched into the white of her eyes and a fist of dread seems to ball in his stomach.

"Kate," he murmurs, sweeping his thumb over the rim of her cheekbone where he imagines the salty trails of her tears dried on her skin. She exhales, bites her teeth into her bottom lip. "I'm sorry I was jealous, and hurt your feelings," he scrambles, grasping for words, apologies, anything to take that lingering sadness from her that he just doesn't understand, that tears at his heart. "That I seemed to take you for granted. I don't."

Her index finger presses over his lips. "It's not about that." Her eyelashes lower, her focus drawn to his collarbone. "It's nothing, I'm being silly," she dismisses, hiding from him.

"It's not nothing if you're crying about it," he insists and she sighs, pushing away from him. She sits up, draws the sheet tightly around her breasts.

"You sure you want to talk about this now?" She questions, an almost imperceptible trace of disappointment in her voice, so well hidden behind her natural fortitude that he almost misses it. It's like a sucker punch to his gut. He sits up as well, faces her, concern rippling through his mind.

"When I was protecting Vaughn, he asked me whether you and I are serious." Her eyes hold his, at once brave and fierce again, ready to face whatever battle lies ahead. "And I hesitated, Castle. For a moment I didn't know what to say."

"Of course we're serious!" He feels indignant, knows he sounds like it too but he can't hold it in, still mired in shock, at the audacity of Vaughn, at this unexpected issue and really, at Kate too, for hesitating at all, for even questioning when she should know better, she should know. Her mouth opens, a reply on her lips but he plows ahead, pleads his case.

"Kate, I love you. We've been doing great. Hell, you practically live here, half your stuff is here and you come home to me and-"

"I want to marry you," she cries out, the words a soft, yearning spill from her lips that stun him speechless, leave him shivering in their wake.

"Wha…? You… Kate…" He stammers, at once breathless with shock. Her eyes are wide, mirroring the same surprise at her own words but there's determination too, a fierce decisiveness that is all Kate.

"Did you just… propose?"

* * *

"No! I mean, that's not…" She stumbles, at first, thrown by her own words. She's said it, just said out loud what's been simmering at the back of her mind for days, the clarity she'd gained the moment she thought she'd never get to have it and it's big and overwhelming and... good, too. It feels good.

The shock on his face rips right into her, harshly throws her back down to earth, to the reality where he might not want the same thing and the fear is stark, coils inside of her, clogs her throat.

She knows he loves her, there's no question how much he truly loves her and yet she doesn't know what he wants, has no idea what he envisions when he thinks of his future, and how she might figure in it. It caught her unaware, shocked her to realize that they just never even talked about it.

So maybe, maybe it's time to start, here and now. And didn't she just resolve for herself to give him the words he might need?

She focuses for just a moment, orders her thoughts and then she clasps his hand, entwines their fingers, squeezing tightly.

"Castle, when I was standing on that bomb, I saw my entire life flash before my eyes. I know, it's such a cliché but in that moment when I had to face that this might be it, when I couldn't do anything but accept my fate, I saw it all again, all those moments that formed me, the choices I made and why I made them. And I realized how I spent most of my life just… standing still. Not moving forward. I'd been stuck on this single-minded goal that drove all my decisions. This life where there were never victories, only more battles..."

He's running his hand up and down the length of her arm in long, soothing strokes and it makes it easier, somehow, to bare her soul, to reveal all these hopes that she never even dared dream about before she met him.

"And then there was you. I saw you, Rick. God, all I wanted to think about was you. And not just the great times we've had, this amazing story we've lived, but all the many moments I thought we were never going to have, a life together, a family, a future."

She holds his eyes with hers, watching him closely with her heart in her throat but all she sees in his face is quiet awe, at her words, at her. She licks her lips, forges on.

"But I survived, I'm still here, Castle and I want to just... move, I want to live, I want all these things now… I don't want to be stuck, I don't want to be standing still anymore.

"It's all so clear to me now, this life that I want. So no, I wasn't proposing, I just... I just need to know if we want the same things. If we're heading in the same direction."

"Kate..." He cups her cheek, his palm warm against her face, his touch reassuring and she leans into him, closes her eyes for a moment, just taking him in.

"When I said 'always,' I meant it. I've been waiting for you my whole life. And I was just trying to go at your pace, waiting for you to be ready too."

"I am." She grasps her hands around his face, pulling him closer until their noses almost brush and his warm breath dances along her skin.

"I'm so in love with you, Rick. I'm all in, and I want you to know that. You get to tell me what you want, too." With her thumb she traces the line of his cheekbone, the corner of his mouth. "It won't scare me away."

"I want you, just you. All of you, however I can have you. If you want to get married, we'll get married. And if you never wanted to get married, I'd still be there. I'm staying."

She feels boneless with relief, a sigh falling from her lips as he wraps an arm around her waist, pulling her into his lap. Fingers clasped around the back of her neck, he brushes his lips to her jawline, her cheek, the corner of her mouth before he rests his forehead against hers.

"I'm staying."


End file.
